SeverusLily : Untouchable
by lumos maximum
Summary: Severus Snape and Lily Evans story. From the word Mudblood to Lilys marriage. Will Snape find time to change Lily heart and will he be able to tell her how much he do love her? Story better than Summary *gosh* Review! One-shot SS/LE. LE/JP


A/N: This song by Natalie Merchant called My skin breaks my heart every time. I always think of Severus.. This is a songfic about him and his lily. I really suggest the song before you read. Youtube it, You'll find the prince's tale there with this song as well. Play it along in the background for all I care, just listen.*  
**Promise me this, if you like it you will review it. If you don't I will let you go...**

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One-shot : My skin

**Take a look at my body,  
look at my hands  
there's so much here that I don't understand  
Your face saving promises,  
whispered like prayers  
I don't need them.**

Severus stood in front of a dirty mirror in the Slytherin dormitories. His pink underwear was the only thing on his body. It was pale and weak. He had taken a shower three times that evening but he felt dirty and ashamed. His naked feet were ice cold and it felt horrible but he knew he deserved the feeling of wet feet against cold stone floor for being who he was. He looked at his torso, just as pale and weak as the rest of his body and he felt ill. His waxy skin glowed in green as he looked out of a window. The dungeon feeling was not pleasant at this moment although he enjoyed it otherwise. His black eyes stared back to the mirror and Lily had always told him that they were beautiful. Black and dark just like his cloaks he thought but as he looked at his eyes the nose got in the way. He stroke a lonely piece of hair that fell in front of his left eyes and looked at his slick, pale piano hands. He liked them as much as he could be able to like anything that was attached to his hideous body. Lily told him that he was not hideous; she even told him that he didn't have darkness in him, just around him and he was able to feel things, not block them out. But her words were empty whispers in the wind now. He saw her last time in her favorite place in the library - the one they always sat on when they did their potions and she was crying beyond her own control, he couldn't help it but it hurt in ways he couldn't imagine. He was feeling rage and anger towards her, his family and himself. Mostly himself, yes. He hated everything he was and looked to his slim arms and knew that someday he would be something. He was to himself and his family didn't matter and she didn't matter as well.

**I've been treated so wrong  
I've been cheated so long as if I'm becoming untouchable...  
Well, contempt loves the silence  
it thrives in the dark,  
the fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart  
They say that promises sweeten the blow  
but I don't need them... no I don't need them.**

**  
**She was a girl who was in love with a boy. He just happened to be Severus Snape – the unlovable. But he was everything to her, her best friend, her sweet love and her substitute brother when Petunia who was her hero showed her true colors. Who was there to dry those tears? When she almost died of shame the time she broke a big black cabin. Who took the blame to make her feel better? When she couldn't go to sleep, who let her snuck into the Gryffindor hating dorm to sleep next to him? Who held her at night, who carried her at days and who occupied her mind every single time between. Yes – they were the bestest of friends she knew and even though she knew every little part of Severus Snape it was hard to ignore the fact that his love was in silence, he didn't say things to her, he whispred them. It was always dark when he loved her and it was with fright in his eyes she left him. His heart was always on the edge of strangling itself with its deepest fears. But he loved her, she knew it and she saw it. She had seen the ways he got lost in her eyes, she had heard him whisper her name in his sleep, writing her name with such care on her scrolls, chosen her gifts with big thoughts, boggarts showing that his deepest fear was that she and nobody else would lie dead in front of her and mostly the tenderness he handled her with whenever she was near. And he promised, he didn't say with words that he did but he promised with his heart that she was the only one that he had in it.  
"It's to late Severus." She whispered in the empty library while she fought her tears. He didn't deserve them for making her feel this horrible, it was not even the word that hurt her. Their friendship and love for each other could move past that. No, it was the huge change in Severus… the darkness that pounded under his chest instead of the heart she fell in love with. She didn't need that, she didn't need him.

**I've been treated so wrong,  
I've been cheated so long as if I'm becoming untouchable  
I'm a slow dying flower  
I'm the frost killing hour  
sweet turning sour  
& untouchable.**

Dear Severus  
We – she had scratched that away and replaced it with an I – got your letter of coming back for the holidays but don't you think it would be better if you stayed there in Hogwarts this year too? It's nothing wrong in staying there – I did it at your age. Me and your father are going away for a while and you'll be better off there I'm sure. I even sent you your gift early.

Take care and do your work properly  
Elieen Prince

He hated the fact that she didn't use her real surname now that she was married but continuously kept writing Prince and even more than that she didn't sign as "mum", "mother" or with "love" like the rest did. His mother did the things Severus was doing, distancing from everyone to not feel the pain. This was the only letter he had gotten this year because it was the only time he had written her. He didn't dare sending an owl to his father who despised magic. For the first time in so many years he was longing to get back to his rocky domestic violence home. They weren't going anywhere he though and felt tricked, they were probably celebrating Christmas like they'd always done. Father got drunk, started to rant his son with a lot of disgust and if he tried to beat the magic out of him she would come and take the blows. His mother would beg him to go upstairs, cover his ears and fall asleep as quick as he could but he rarely did. How could she even beg that from him while her screams filled Spinners End so he sat at the top of the stairs looking at his weak mother being beat up by his father. She would always come up to his bed after the fight and kiss his forehead but he was dead, cold. His childhood had been lost by her, his father and himself for not doing anything.

It was better to stay in this cold castle up in this dungeon but he felt the pain that his mother refused to feel.

Dear Elieen  
I think you're right and I like it here, besides I have much study to catch up with. Excellence is something you work for. I hope that you have a good trip and I will open your gift on Christmas day but thank you in advance.

Until we meet again.

Severus Prince

He shut his eyes and remembered the first Christmas gift he was ever given by his parents at age ten. His father made sure that suppressing him to an such extent was suppressing magic but after an awkard conversation with the principal in his school he'd realized that even his son needed presents. That Christmas was his best. His mother gave him a thick book and his father gave him a thin black belt to hold up his muggle clothes. He even thanked his father for the belt with a rare smile but he wouldn't use it unless it was desperately needed. He wore his mothers instead to avoid the feeling of having his father next to his body not carrying that he looked like a girl. He wasn't let go easy by this in muggle school but his wandless magic was evil enough to keep the bullies in distance. The book however was one of the best presents through the ages, it was covered with numbers and it looked like a normal math book but it was "Precise Potion: produce and prefect" inside. He grew in love with that book since then. Despite the fact that he learnt everything they was to know about all the subject he was going to be though he was amazed by this hard form of magic. The gift he was given by Lily at his best Christmas was his favorite and he carried the memory of it with him every time despite the burden or the pain it caused him.

It was a snowy day, especially cold and their breaths razzed in the wind. Under the tree they used to sit under during the summer she stood and closed her eyes. He gave her a tiny cup of magical fire that his mother had given him as a birthday gift. It fitted perfectly in her palm and it kept them both warm. He told her clearly that she had to keep it hidden from nosy eyes and he saw her eyes shine. He asked stupidly about his gift because it was she who had insisted that he deserved a gift.

She gave him all her love with a childish kiss on the lips that she had practiced in front of the mirror she told him. He felt so numb and shy after that one that she'd worried that she had done it wrong. He had assured that she did it properly and she had beamed. She always reminded him about the fact that he was sweet. Those days were the better ones, and whatever anybody said to make him feel sour he went back to that little memory that Christmas.  
She kissed him. She, the most beautiful and amazing girl in the whole world kissed him.  
He was taught that he was untouchable.

**ooh I need  
the darkness,  
the sweetness,  
the sadness,  
the weakness,  
ooh I need this.  
Need a lullabye,  
a kiss goodnight,  
angel, sweet love of my life  
ooh I need this**

She laid in her dormitory, months had past with sleepless nights, week days and a dreamy stir mostly of the time. One night she had enough and told Alice who was the only girl in her age and dorm that she missed her best friend – her _only _friend. It resulted in Alice not judging her but sleeping next to her in her bed to fill out Severus absence. She had told her what happened with Severus and she said that she could be her company when she felt lonely. Alice was sweet in that way but she needed the darkness from the dungeon and Severus along with the thin body behind her to fall asleep. She needed the sweetness he put down when gave her the only pillow, pulling a delusional spell on her and begging her to come closer against his body so the bed could fit for the both of them. She needed the sadness in his voice when he was forced to say goodbye to her or when he tried to say those words to her before they said goodnight. Those words that hare more magical than any spell she'd been taught in Hogwarts. She always took his hand and placed it on her heart and told him that those beats were enough to tell. He would always blush at this and nod like he understood but he had always struggled with it. It was the only weak thing with Severus, but she needed it.

She steered up the sealing and then left her bed with Alice snoring. She walked slowly down the stairs, she needed his voice to be her lullabye now, and even if they didn't spoke awake she knew that he would chant her name in his sleep. She couldn't sleep knowing that his bed was as sleepless as her and that his whispers in the dark were unheard. She needed the innocent kiss goodnight she always gave him just like she did when they were small. He's the love of her life, he's her black dressed angel. She stood there ready to go to him and lay next to him without saying a word but the Gryffindor common room was filled with another sleepless soul that night. It was not her Severus but another, rather handsome man who would give his life for her as well.

"Evans." James said slowly looking upon her. She didn't want to be with this boy right now, she wanted her pale, dark, troubled and shattered Severus in his dungeon bed so many cold footsteps from here.

**I'm a slow dying flower  
frost killing hour  
the sweet turning sour  
& untouchable**

She was coming tonight; it was what she always did when she was feeling sadder than usual. He tried to comfort himself with that though at night when he couldn't go to sleep. He was her love, she always told him that but he didn't dare tell it back. He silently wished he did so many times before when he was giving the chance but how could he do it when all the emotions died so many years ago. The snow fell outside he knew still with his eyes fixed at the door that his heart was for her to sneak in.  
And the hours went, sleepless, hopeless, sour and dark. He felt the thing Lily always called love turning into what he always called hate and he knew that his father was right all the time.  
Severus Snape was untouchable.

**Do you remember the way that you touched me before,  
all the trembling sweetness  
I loved and adored...  
Your face saving promises  
whispered like prayers.  
I don't need them.**

They were an item now Lily and James, James and Lily. It was wonderful but most importantly it was simple. He adored every little inch of her to the great misery of all the 5th and 6th year students. James held her hand, kissed her softly, told her that she was loved, needed and adored. She loved him back and saw a future with him. She valued everything that Prongs was. He was Smart, loyal, warm, and secure. So she ended up in his dormitory one night when Remus, Sirius and Peter were out on adventures. James had gotten badly injured from the Quiddich game by a Bludger so what started as a girl friend taking care of her boyfriend ended up in wild snogging. James hands stroke her back wildly to a point that she shrugged and pushed James away.  
"I'm sorry Evans" he said looking genially sorry.  
"It isn't you James" she said. It wasn't even her. It was Severus. He had occupied her mind for the first time since the time she met James down in the common room. These good months, easy and happy ones were spent without him in her head, only in her heart but in there he kept quiet and to himself like he always did. When James stroke her back like that she couldn't help but miss the soft way Severus used to do it to make her fall asleep. Slowly, tenderly without taking the touch for granted and the ways she loved that couldn't be explained. He could make her feel a thousand things at once but still hollow but no matter what he was always with her to the end and he used to whisper her name so she would know that he didn't leave she thought. The thought of his voice echoed in her heart and made her shiver.

"Goosebumps Evans" James said softly and stroke her arm slowly where the bumps slowly appeared. She felt a shiver in another way now, his touch felt different. Severus made her feel secure, his made her feel desired.

"You do that to me Potter" she said and kissed him. Severus never kissed her; besides the goodnight pecks, but he was getting the chances so often that maybe he didn't desire her in that way she thought now. But she didn't need that with him, she just needed him as he was and even that would be enough.

**I need the darkness,  
the sweetness,  
the sadness,  
the weakness,  
ooh I need this.  
I ne****ed a lullabye  
a kiss goodnight,  
angel, sweet love of my life  
ooh I need this**

"Legimens" roared Lord Voldemort and the room felt silent. The wand was pointed at Severus scull was slowly vibrating. Severus stared into the pale mans red eyes who seemed to be focused on his brain more than his servants stir glare. His class members from the Slytherin house was in a circle around them just looking at their dark master and the greesy haired boy in the middle.

"What are you hiding from me Snape" Voldemort hissed and put his wand against his throat now. He saw the bravery leave some of the men around them. They are weak he thought but Severus felt relived, he did hide Lily and everything that reminded of her but he didn't want to tell the Dark Lord that he had an interest in something more than darkness and might.

"I do not hide anything my Dark Lord"  
"Legimens" Voldemort yelled again and focused all his power on his brain. He thought a lot of Lily and felt warm and happy knowing that his thoughts were kept to himself; she was the sweetest thing running around his mind.

"There is love in there but nothing more, love – so weak, who is the reason for this week emotion?" Voldemort hissed.  
"I do not love my Dark Lord, I only exist purely to exist." He said slowly knowing that he had to advance in protecting his brain.

"Liar" Voldemort said and cast Crucio on him. He didn't scream, yell or cry because he knew he deserved this for failing to keep Lily in his safe place, the sadness along with the pain took over now but he couldn't scream, he wouldn't give anyone in this circle that pleasure.

"Stand up Snape." Voldemort said and he rose. "Why didn't you scream, didn't I do it good enough?" Voldemort added and tortured him again. The limbs starched to an extent that it made him loose the erg to fight his voice. Voldemort let him rise up without telling him and he stared into the red eyes without fear.

"Expressions are for the weak." He answered truthfully. If Voldemort killed him for this answer it didn't matter to him. He had already lost everything. Voldemort looked at him and then lift his wand.  
If the "Crucio" curse was horrible this was nothing to it, the pain pierced through the arm and burned to an extent that he honestly thought that his arm was in a fire. He didn't move a muscle. The mark was resting on his pale arm now just like it did on everyone else in this circle. Voldemort looked at him with an inch of amazement and fear. He was a death eater, finally pure.

He slept troubled, hurt, shattered and badly that night and all of the nights after that night. He felt pain in his arm when he was summoned by the Dark Lord as he was getting more often than the other Death Eaters and he had pain in his body after the long days and sleepless nights. The pain that kept him up was the pain after longing after her. Where on the road did it turn out this way? His Bitterness against the thing he became rose as it always did. This night was just as exhausting as all before but he had enough. He leaned out the little window in the room at Spinners End, the events here after his seventh year pushed him over to the dark side because that was how life turned out. His father had abused her to an extent that she died and the muggle police collected his father and sentenced him to murder. He had been seconds away of raising his own wand and casting the Killing curse if he didn't feel to give his father the honors of dying quickly. This way his father was doomed to be troubled by the thought of his acts and locked up in the prison of brain was worse than meeting an end. He was standing in his childhood room knowing that he was born, raised and died here. He had felt alive a few moments in these neighborhoods and the reason for that was the red-headed, green eyed and amazing girl only a block away. He called out her name to the empty street in vain.

Maybe I should go there and beg her to sleep next to me like she used to, beg her to kiss me goodnight, beg her to make me feel human again he thought with an ache to close his heart. And when she say those words she always do before they said their goodnights he would tell her exactly what he felt back so she could bless him like the angel she was. He returned to bed with her green eyes in mind and for the first night he slept without waking up sweaty to the scene of losing her to death.

**  
Well, is it dark enough,  
can you see me?  
do you want me?  
can you reach me?  
or I'm leaving...**

The wizard world was in terror. As Lily sat in her end of the twin-size bed with the Daily Prophet in her hand and read page after page she couldn't help but feel ill about the rate the wizard world and _her kind_ was being slaughtered. Muggle deaths, muggle-born mysteries, half-blood regulation and so on were the headlines you saw these days. She felt the cold surrounding anyone around and the word trust had lost its meaning. James kissed her softly on the neck as a good morning. She felt warm again, like the news didn't exist and that she should not worry. He couldn't be cuter than now with his hair messier than normal and sleepy eyes that rolled when he saw what she was reading. He kissed her engagement ring and counted the few days left to the day. She gave him and stiff stir and he gave up and left the bed to take a shower. The most depressing part of the magazine was left and at these times they were longer than they should. Lily started to read the obituary until her hand fled to her heart and she held her breath. There between the lost and found deaths a familiar name came up that made her feel ill.

In memory of Elieen Prince  
Came to this world in joy  
Left this world in sorrow  
"Strength is not for the weak,

Death is not for the living,

Sorrow is not for the joyful"

Signed: The half-blood Prince.

She needed to visit him but James couldn't know. In these times was it wise to seek up a Death Eater whos clear mission was to extinct all muggleborn – All mudbloods? People would call her mad, maybe crazy if she said that her best friend as she still called him in her mind was the total opposite of what she was. As an Order of the Pheonix member it went against all logic to visit Severus but she had a feeling he wouldn't harm her.  
"I'm visiting Tuney tonight James" she yelled "Maybe we can end this silence war before death."

"Don't talk like that, should I follow you? I could take the day off" he yelled from the shower.

"Something's are meant to be done alone." She yelled "And Sev doesn't care for you" she said knowing that he couldn't hear her last words.

Night came and she stood outside the Spinners End under an invisibility cloak that James lent her. She was fascinated to find out the secret in his ability to sneak around everywhere. The only light in the house that was lid was the one in Severus room. They had spent very short amounts of times in that room as kids before it got too much for Severus and he had to leave with her hand in a steady grip in his. He looked as lonely as a person could be when he walked in his room slowly without any reason. She thought of knocking on the door but did he even want her there she though. Her childhood memories rose up to the surface and she felt a lonely and burning tear slip down her cheek. They had been running without any care in the world and promised each other a lifetime of friendship. He opened his window now and she recognized the black hair, the dark eyes and the characteristic nose that made him the person he was. His face was looking through the garden like he was trying to find something he'd lost.  
Maybe it was the wind, maybe it was a dream but he whispered her name.  
"Lily." He called again out in the wind. "I – I … Lily" and she saw something blinking in his eyes, they were tears there. Just like hers but he did his best to keep them in, she however couldn't manage that.  
"Sev" She whispered to herself.  
She knew.  
Maybe he did too.  
By that she was gone now promising herself to never do anything this risk filled and stupid for Severus Snape or any other she loved.

**you better shut your mouth  
and hold your breath  
you kiss me now,  
you catch your death  
oh I mean this...  
oh I mean this...**

"You better shut your mouth Death Eater and be aware that we will kill you if you touch her" James said with fury and passion when he arrived to his backyard. They held each other's wands against their throats.

"Save your breath and get Lily before I hex you in ways that you can't imagine Potter. You want to marry her this century don't you? " He said with the same of arrogance James had in his voice most of the times. Sirius came out of nowhere and held his wand against him with a dog-like stir.  
"It's okay James, he won't hurt me. Besides, apart inside without looking at me – it's unlucky to see the bride before the wedding. Both of you – go!" said the voice from top of the stairs, James disaparted quickly along with Sirius.

She was dressed in white, looking like an angel. Her hair was curly and she held a bouquet of Lilys in her hand. He thought that was a bit tacky and ironic but she did it beautifully. The sun was burning over their head although the Dark Lord fright was upon all their shoulders. He couldn't ask for a better day for her so he was going to make this short. Painless so he could find some peace. She came with flames in her green eyes to the back yard of James and her house, those eyes were the reason he couldn't stop thinking about Lily. He leaned in to kiss her in the same way that she used to kiss him goodnight.

"Don't kiss me Severus, don't dare to hurt me or they'll make sure that you'll meet death." She said rejecting his attempt. It hurt in ways he couldn't even imagine and he quickly remembered why he didn't show his affection earlier. He was afraid of getting hurt.

"You never understood Lily; you never knew how you made me feel for real and how you changed me." He said slowly and backed away from her.  
"You changed me to Severus, and you are always mine. I know you can't say those words I've told you so many times I feel that for you. You don't have to say it and I'll make sure I don't say it to you either. But if you love me you have to leave me and let me go. I mean this." She said coolly but with an badly hidden sadness only he understood. He shrugged at this and then gave her a crushed glance.  
"I do feel that for you. I'm leaving you if that is what it takes to make you happy. I won't be long, and I mean this. I just came to tell you that I'm sorry for being this." He said. She felt sad.

"How do you know that you do Severus" she said with such a sadness in her voice that he too know that she was ruined inside "How can I know that you love me." She added.  
He took all the strength to say the sentence

"I – I – feel – I – lo – " but he couldn't manage. His eyes filled up with tears, no one could do that to him besides the green eyed beauty in front of him. She too filled up like she did so many times when Severus was around, mentioned or remembered about.

"That isn't love. That is obsession Severus; if you loved me you would know how to show it. But I love you and I love James. I'm getting married Sev – today. This is the only moment you will get. "she said and gave him a pleading look, like she always wanted to run to him if things were different.

He grabbed both her hand and slowly but them onto his torso so she would feel the heart beats there. They stared into each others eyes and saw their endless years rushing in front of them in such a paste that that it brought more tears to them. Neither blinked, both afraid to cry. He just pressed the hands against his heart and she felt the slow beating behind his ribs. She understood without words, he knew but he had to say something.

"I don't know if it's enough for you. But it's all for you, it always was Lily."

She let go of his hands to come closer to him and then she kissed him on the cheek with such soft care. His body flooded suddenly with warmth and they hugged each other still afraid of blinking so the tears wouldn't fall. She whispered his name; he hissed her name and felt all the darkness entering his body. He swooped away in black from the sad beauty in white not knowing that this was the last time he was going to see the girl who was the reason he lived his life like he lived it.

The end

*

A/N: Do not own the characters, just the imagination. Liked this? Read: A minute in the hallway : Severus/Lily 

Remember the bold promise on top you made me earlier.  
It is _very_ close to my heart (_my heart broke several times during this and I felt huge angst when I wrote it)_ so I want to know what **you** thought about this long one-shot (Gosh). Everything is welcomed. Thank you for reading! Kisses.


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